Love and Be Loved

"Sarah, stop asking him questions you're not willing to accept the answer to."

These were some wise words of wisdom from my Bishop. He's pretty amazing. Oh, where to begin. When you look back you always say, "Why didn't I see the signs?" I always saw the signs. I just refused to acknowledge them. Love has a very funny way of blinding you.

I liked being blind.

Life has been difficult this past week. I've had to accept what I didn't want to hear (which anyone who knows me knows that doesn't usually go over well). 

They say life goes on. And I'm going. I'm going at half a snail's pace, but I'm going. It's just really HARD when suddenly everything changes. I've spent the last 2 years building my life around one person and now all of a sudden that person is no longer a part of the picture. It's hard when I've been refusing to be open to the possibility of any other option and now all of a sudden he's no option. Well, don't get me wrong. I still hope that 2 years down the road I'll be single and things will be different and we can be together. But for now that's not the case.

So you know what's really weird? Going on dates. Even weirder? I could be married at like, any time. Maybe I know him already. Maybe his name is Billy and he's still serving in Russia. Maybe I'll die an old maid. Who knows? Wait, Jesus does. 

Next point. I have the hardest time letting go and trusting. That's why this whole process has been so hard. But, you live and you learn. You love and you let go. You find the one your truly supposed to be with and you're happy forever. That's how it works. Happy. Let's be happy. Happy happy happy. 

You know what makes me happy? Nate makes me happy. Jon makes me happy. Sara makes me happy. Kathryn coming here in January makes me happy. My weird sisters make me happy. Going to sporting events makes me happy. Playing sports makes me happy. Moving out soon makes me happy. Making money makes me happy. 

HAPPIEST!?!?! The temple. There is no place like the temple to put things in perspective. To remind you it's all ok. To help you remember that Heavenly Father's got this. He's never let you down and never will. I trust I trust! I pray! I read! I try desperately to do what I'm supposed to and make loved ones proud of me. 

I try desperately to be worthy of love. One day I hope to be so loved by a man that he scoops me up and carries me to the temple and says, "MARRY ME!!!! You're beautiful and righteous and there's no one I would rather spend my life with and I want to be with you for eternity and have a wonderful life." 

I really am trying to be happy and open and full of love. But sometimes I wake up and and say, "Oh look, another glooorious morning. Makes me sick!"

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older I'm getting older too
Yes I'm getting older too.