Ain't nobody got time for that!

In a lot of ways I feel extremely inadequate. I know I'm not very educated and I have no career goals. So you don't have to be so judgey at me for that. I feel no desire to move up in the business world, I have no urge to complete a fancy degree, I have absolute ZERO interest in working the rest of my life. I want to be a mother.

And goodness I hate the looks I get when people hear that. Yes people! It's the truth. I'm not going to work. I'm going to sit at home with my children while my husband works hard every day. Career? Do you know how busy I'm going to be??? The type of mother I want to be has no time for such nonsense. Education? I know my children will always be embarrassed about how un-educated I am, but I know no one will ever doubt my knowledge about the gospel. What more do I need than that?

I know why I'm here on this earth. The only thing anyone ever says I'm good at is that I'm great with kids. Seriously. And I'm ok with that. I'm here to raise, and nurture, and teach, and love. Education and careers??? Ain't nobody got time for that. 

I've got children to hold, giggles to get out of those tiny bodies, there's knowledge and love for the gospel that needs to be taught to their little hearts, they need protecting, and that's all I want to do. What if my husband dies or I somehow have to provide???

I don't know......and that's ok! There's always at home daycare or I can teach pre-school. I trust that I'll be doing what my Heavenly Father wants me to. I trust that because of that and my righteous endeavors I will be blessed and protected. And I trust that if it's something I need to worry about he'll let me know. Because his world really does revolve around me. He's always making sure I'm taken care of. 

Something I feel strongly about

When I first moved into my new ward in Provo I got to sit down with my bishop and have a fun chat about life. When it came up that I was endowed he was quite surprised, and a little worried. I understand that. I'm only 20 years old and I've already made some of the biggest promises I will ever make and that's a lot of responsibility for a 20 year old (since we make a lot of mistakes). And I get that. But at the same time I was kind of mad at him.

I love the temple. The temple is the only place where life goes away for a few hours. The temple is my solace and safe haven. Going to the temple is the only thing that keeps me sane in this crazy world that seems to make me lose my perspective sometimes. I know I'm 20 years old and I'm young and stupid, but the temple helps. The temple has changed me completely. I can't imagine living the life I am without the knowledge that I can go to the temple and be given peace. I don't know how I would be surviving this without the ability to go and partake of the FULL blessings of the temple. Baptisms are great (don't get me wrong), but it's just so different and has such greater blessings.

Most of the time I'm completely confused about what life is doing to me and how everything is working out (like getting endowed so young and then not going on a mission or getting married). But God sees everything. And that is the most glorious and constant truth. He knew I would need the blessings from the temple that I have the opportunity to receive that I wouldn't have otherwise. He knew I would end up where I could do good and bless others, even if that wasn't in the Appalachian Mountains up in West Virginia. The people I'm meeting, the challenges I'm facing, and the temple attendance are shaping me to be the person he wants me to be. I'm being forced to make choices I wouldn't have otherwise. And those choices are making me realize what I really want. Not what I thought I want, but when it really comes down to the depths of my heart and soul I know exactly what I want. And I know I would never forgive myself if I didn't do everything that I could to make it happen.

The temple is great. God is great. Life is great. Life is also terrifying. But if I can remember that my God and Savior are watching over me I'm ok. They know how this all ends, and that needs to be good enough for me, because that means everything ends up ok. 

It's actually quite interesting how the whole process of me receiving my endowment started. I was just chilling in Rexburg  Fall 2012, living a life that I knew wasn't the best. I was confused and hurting and was really struggling to be happy. Out of the blue I started thinking about receiving my endowment. I didn't even have a part time recommend and here I was thinking about the highest of levels to achieve. It made no sense but I didn't realize it. So I started asking questions about the process and when it can happen and yada yada. I bought undershirts that I thought we about the right shape and covering of garments and started wearing them everyday pretending I was wearing them (side note: people thought I was, lots of funny conversations). I started reading. Pamphlets, books, Ensign articles, and anything else I could get my hands on. 

The two biggest books? The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister and The Holy Temple by Boyd K. Packer. Both were spiritually expanding and very personal to me. I had MANY personal revelations about the pre-existence and me and my Heavenly Parents and they were fantastic books that will be beneficial to anyone. Highly recommended.

Anyways, so I started meeting with my Bishop once a week. I was tired of half hanging on to the gospel and not knowing for myself what was going on. I was tired of being tired and sad all the time and wanted to move on my life. We had great discussions. We talked about the Atonement and the temple and what they could do for me. He got me going to the temple once a week and promised me great blessings from it, and great blessings did I receive. I felt happy! I felt like I had a purpose, and life finally made sense. So there I was doing my best and growing in a way I didn't think was possible.

Then, SHABAM! Missionary age change. I saw my next 3 years flashing before my eyes and it all made sense and it was perfect! Suddenly all the preparation for the temple and being weird about for no reason.....there was a reason!

Everyone started freaking out and dropping everything to leave immediately. I dropped out of school and headed home so I could start working. I knew I was going to have to fund this whole thang and I was going to need to start bringing in the money. So I started working and trying to figure out my timeline. In the mean time I went to the temple. At least once a week (usually more) I was at the temple doing baptisms and dreaming of doing more. The San Diego temple is special. When you're sitting in the "chapel" waiting there's a window at the back that is connected to the main entrance. And when you look through it you can see the stairs that lead to rest of the temple. Every time I went I sat and stared and said to myself, "Soon."

When the day finally came I was ecstatic. Forget my mission call, I just wanted to go through the temple. And it was not what I expected at all. The temple is weird at first. Point blank and nothing much else to it. And the first time you go, you have no idea what's going on and you miss half of it and nothing makes sense. It's beautiful, but yeah. Luckily I live in a great place where as soon as you receive your mission call they get you endowed and working in the temple. Every Saturday I got to spend six hours serving and being so engrossed by the Spirit. Things made sense quickly and I stopped being confused. It was the greatest thing I've ever done.

So what happened with the mission? Honestly truly when it boils right down to it, I didn't want to go. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't regret it at all. I still don't want to go. I love where I am.

So here I am. I have seriously changed so much in the past year. The temple and the Atonement have changed me. There is nothing greater than feeling like you finally understand. And there's still so very much that I have left to learn, but good Ghandi I understand so much more than I did. The temple people. The blessings you receive from attending are greater than any other you could receive. Make the time to go. Every week is my goal. Not because I want blessings, but because I can't get through a week without going. I NEED those blessings. Everyone does. And if you're trying to convince yourself you don't? You do! Stop lying to yourself.

And that's what I feel strongly about. Obviously since I just typed enough to make my fingers bleed. The temple. Get there.

5 Ways To Win My Heart

So lately I've been really bored at work and slightly struggling to find things to write about in my journal since I feel like it's the same thing every day lately. So I found this list of journal prompts and I love them. So I'm going to share them! You can really get to know me.........cause I know that's what you're all really interested in :)

1. Make me laugh.
My most favoritest thing in the entire world is to be happy and laugh. So when I tell people that they freak out like, "What does that mean?" People, I love to be happy. I know what it feels like to be in the darkest of downs and I NEVER want to feel that again. I love to be happy. Laughing is my favorite. And I don't feel like it's very hard to make me laugh or smile. But I've realized the people who mean the most to me are the ones who make me laugh the most and I always have fun when I'm with them.

2. Make me feel worth it.
This one is a little more vague. My biggest fear is being inadequate or not "worth it" to someone. I want someone who's willing to drop everything and make me their highest priority (mostly because that's what I do). I want to go to your family gatherings, I want you to defend me fiercely, I want to know that no matter what, I'm what comes first for you. Saying that, I understand guy time and space. I don't want your every second. I just want to know you would give it to me if I asked. Demanding? Maybe. Do I care? No.

3. Talk to me about everything.
Literally. That lady bug that died and affected you emotionally because of a traumatic experience when you were four, how you felt the first time you felt the Spirit and recognized it, when you think I'm being stupid, EVERYTHING! Trust is huge to me. And I want to know you trust me with everything. Especially the deep stuff. Bare your soul to me.

4. Play with me.
So many people have lost the value of good clean fun. I like to be active. Basketball, hiking, tickle fights, baking, take me on adventures, grab me and start dancing for no reason, don't be afraid to tackle me (I can take it), wink at me when you walk past, pin me on the floor and tickle me when I'm being sassy, teach me something you're interested in, play with me.

5. Take me to the temple.
That's my favorite place. Show me your spiritual side. Let me know you'll take me every week and take me every where I need to go for eternity. Know your priorities.

TADA!

How are you doing?

Mostly I'm afraid of never feeling that kind of love again. And I'm scared that no one could love me the same way he did. It might seem silly to someone else, but to me it's crippling.