"Wait, you're home?"

I'm still waking up hours before everyone else. Going from East Coast, to Pacific Coast, to Mountain Time, back to Pacific Coast probably isn't helping. But it's interesting to be the first one awake in this house. My Dad used to always be awake and moving at like 3 or 4 in the morning (he must be getting old)!

The first thing I still do in the morning is exercise and then study my scriptures before anything else. I can't miss these things. I love these moments in my day, even if it's just for a few moments. Without them I will crumble.

I love reading books! Harry Potter will be the first on my list.

I've seen Interstellar and Inside Out. Both amazing movies. I'm glad they were my firsts.

It took me almost a week from actually getting home to get to the beach. It was worth the wait.

The meds should be "taking effect" at this point. Are they working? I have no idea.

Break downs are still happening. To be expected. Still in places I would have least expected. It's so strange for me to be surrounded by people I've literally known my whole life, and be panicking about having to talk to them.

There was one night that I stayed up an hour past everyone else and I ate 4 bowls of cereal. Sometimes it sneaks up on you, but other times you really feel it coming on early. The next morning I really didn't think I would get out of bed that day. I was not going to move. Then I thought, "I can go to the temple.......I can go to the temple. I can go to the temple!" I got out of bed and got there, and the rest of the day was great! I even got to talk to my best friend in West Virginia!

I think my new motto is, "If it feels right, DO IT! Heavenly Father will stop you if it's not." So if it feels right I'm gonna do it. The same thing happened with the decision to come home. It absolutely felt right. It still does. I have no doubts about that decision.

I feel like I'm exploring myself and finding a whole new person. She's different. But not glaringly. I think I like her. In some ways I feel more confident. Which is very strange because I mostly have felt shattered in the self-confidence category. I'm still learning about her. She surprises me every day.

A lady that works for my Uncle is getting baptized on Monday. We got to have an awesome lesson with her and the Missionaries. My Uncle is stinking excited.

I still don't have a phone, and probably won't for another week.

Church tomorrow........it will be great!

People keep asking me about school. I still have no plans to go back. Maybe one day. For those who are rolling their eyes, foaming at the mouth, and gnashing their teeth I say, "When you pay for it I'll be happy to go." It really is just a money issue. I would love to go back. I love learning new things and I would love to learn more, I'm just butt broke. So send me a check and I'll be sure to use it!

Trying to find the words.

So let's talk about depression.

I think the most important thing to start with is that I was determined to not come home. I did everything possible to stay and would never have ever left unless I was absolutely positive it was what I was supposed to do, and my Mission President was positive as well. So I prayed my butt off. So did he. We fasted. He knew before I did that it was time for me to go home.

So why did I come home? God told me to.

Underlying issues? Depression. Obviously lots of physical illness but overall, the depression. The past year has grown steadily worse. I very much thought my Mission would be full of fun and joyful times. It was! But it also was the most trying time of my life. I slowly felt more and more out of control of my emotions. Week by week turned to day by day, which turned to hour by hour and minute by minute. In the past 3 months I've found myself "turning off". It's like someone has a light switch control over my different faculties.

I would get so angry. Over nothing. In the middle of lessons with investigators of the church I would start to boil over and start shaking. Or before we even went in I knew I couldn't go teach someone about Jesus Christ when I was so angry.

Then I would have no ability to love or have any patience.

And the worst was when I couldn't feel anything at all. In the middle of a lesson I would go blank. No words could come out. No thoughts could come. I was empty and blank. That was a problem. I met with my Mission President almost every week as we discussed what was going on and how to make it better. Eventually we decided on medication. I had been taking it for 2 days when I got the overwhelming feeling AGAIN that I needed to go home. 3 months ago we decided to take it one day at a time and it seemed like every day it got worse. Every day I felt like I needed to go home.



I wasn't functioning as a missionary. The work seemed to completely stop. I wasn't functioning as a human being. And we knew it was time for me to come home. I got to call my parents before the final decision was made.

The decision was made Sunday and I was home Wednesday. Thursday was spent at home. The Sister Missionaries came over for a lesson with an investigator. I got to see my little red heads.

Friday we drove all day to Utah. I thought that this is my comfort zone and where I'll feel the most normal. Maybe being back will just shake me back to the way I was. It'll be like the depression never happened!

I was wrong. Being around my family, not even cousins, just my siblings, I was shaken. Panic attacks and shut downs. We were at the park and I cried. I needed to hide so Mom and I went to the movies. Perfect, a dark place where I could zone out the world.

Realization........I CAN'T be the person who shuts out the world with technology and can't function without my head being in a screen. Where's the balance? Good thing I don't have a phone yet.

Michelle was worried about "cousin game night" (which was siblings with Nate) and wanted to cancel.

Realization........if I stop doing those things because I'm scared of how I'll react I'll never do it and never be "normal" again. I have to push through because I never know when it will be a good day or not til I'm there.

I know I want to get back to Utah and be living on my own. No one likes moving back in with the parentals. But I don't have any money. And I feel certifiably crazy right now. I'm not in a position to make any decisions right now. But once I'm ready I'll know and I'm gonna go.

Realization........I'm going to be very expensive for my parents for a while. Pray for them. Never mind me. They have to deal with my crazy butt.

So yes, I'm on medication. It's been about a week? We'll take it for a month and see what happens. Psychiatric help? I didn't have the best experience with a counselor on my mission so I'm not excited about that option, but I probably need it.

Sunday I felt perfectly fine. I was happy, and joking like I used to always. It happens sometimes, it's just seems to be a matter of how long I can last before I "turn off" again. And then how long before I come back to "normal". Have I ever been normal? Probably not. I've struggled with depression pretty much my whole life. I've got a history of crazy people in my family. I'll blame it on them.

I have a great desire to be a wife and mother one day. I can't be like this and do those two jobs. So lets get healthy! Today is a good day! Hopefully it stays a good day!

Word of caution to all who interact with me:
If, in ANY way, you tell me to think "happy thoughts" and all will be better, I will hit you. HARD. I know all the tricks. I've been doing them for years. They stopped working. So now we're trying medication and regular temple attendance :) Lets see miracles happen.

Best:
1. Nieces and nephews I had never met before!
2. The smell of salt water when I got out of the airport.
3. My mom's patience. It's outstanding.
4. PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. The confidence from knowing I'm doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do.
6. I fit into my old clothes!

Worst:
1. Not knowing how to answer people's questions. Do you really want to know the answers to what you're asking?????
2. Not knowing what tomorrow brings in any way shape or form.

And Some Video

More Pictures

Picture Dump

The Week of Sister Sorenson

July 6, 2015

Lets start with the fact that she's stinkin funny. And she hates her crazy curly hair. And every companion so far has taught her something to make her more "girly". 

I told her I'd teach her how to spit, and that was about all I could do for her.

Wednesday we went to the Nevins and shot whipped cream into each others mouths by spraying a blob on our fists then launching it into the air. It was fun!

Thursday was transfer day so we drove to Charleston and got Sister Campbell set up with her new little missionary, said goodbye to the departing missionaries, and then Sister Sorensen and I got going. Once again no one will meet with us and we're struggling to find new investigators.

Friday I had a bit of a non-functioning day. That was fun for Sister Sorensen..........

I had hoped to go a little bit longer before letting her see that side of me, but, what can ya do? We're working together. And I have no doubts we're together for a reason. It's cuz she makes me laugh.

Saturday was a Holiday! There was a parade downtown that was pretty cool. They threw out so much candy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

We were having a lesson with Pam when her Visiting Teacher called on accident, butt dial. But she came and picked up Pam for the parade as well. It was perfect for her. She might be getting surgery this week and it's making her nervous so it was exactly what she needed. We had dinner with the Nevins and used some cheapo sparklers. It was fun! 

Then we walked to the local park. It was gross to get hit with the wall of sunscreen and sweat. There were so many people. Three fields jam packed. And it was humid and hot! But everything was free. Free ice-cream, snow cones, cotton candy, hot dogs, etc. We found the shortest lines and got us some snow cones. 

We had to be home before the big fireworks started. But our neighbor had some VERY illegal fireworks we watched from our front porch. And they went off all night.

Sunday was a very special day for me. I fasted with a very specific question in mind and got a very specific answer. I love Sacrament meeting. We're continuing to explore and meet new people. We're continuing to find people who are ok with us coming back, but whenever we can find them...........UGH! No new investigators this week. But it'll get better. It always does.

-Sister Packard

Best:

1. Free snow cones.

2. President's interviews.

3. A patient companion.

Worst:

1. My patient companion is a cleaner. Like, throw away everything in the house cleaner. 

    Even food............so my patience did not match hers. We'll find a balance :) 

    I like stuff, options is a better word.

The Week of Thousands of Words

July 1, 2015

We've been inviting the members of this Ward to join us in a special fast this Sunday for an opportunity to introduce a friend to the missionaries. I invite you all to join in the same fast for your own Ward missionaries.

-Sister Packard

The Week of A Stomach Virus..........Again

June 22, 2015

Four times in six months. It's really getting old.

Monday we met at the church and played some games and porked out on pizza with Emily and the Elders. We had lots of fun, and then there was booming thunder and pouring rain so we ran outside and danced for a little bit and got all wet. It's rained a LOT this week. I guess we're getting the backlash from Texas.

Tuesday we got to meet with Dennis and talked about how he aspires to serve in the church. There's so many things he wants to do now that he has all this knowledge. Tuesday we had a powerful lesson with Dannette. She explained to us that every time we come over it's like something inside of her is telling her to join us and to believe the things we're teaching and get baptized..........OK! 

So we talked about the Holy Ghost and how these things are coming from God. She pulled out her calendar and picked July 18th to be baptized and said nothing will get in her way. It was pretty cool. Pam has been loving her Ensign and is always excited to share the most recent thing she's read. I never understood how powerful of a tool that magazine is. I love it.

Check the magazine out here

Wednesday we had Specialized Training in Charleston with President and Sister Salisbury. The themes were obedience, the Atonement, and keeping the Sabbath holy. With obedience he emphasized that between July 2nd and August 13th 66 new missionaries will be joining us in the WVCM. So he needs lots of trainers. And he desperately needs trainers to be obedient. That's a lot of new missionaries. 

I spent a good chunk of the meeting in the bathroom rolling on the floor. I was miserable! We spent the rest of the day at home because I thought I was dying.

Thursday I died. I puked AAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL day. We had several appointments and I was so annoyed to cancel.

Friday I was still a little queasy but we wanted to make sure I was clean for 24 hours before going out and getting anyone else sick. So it was another boring day. But Sister Keller brought me some chicken noodle soup and it was the only thing I would eat. It was so stinking good.

Saturday was an interesting day. We did our weekly planning and came up with some great ideas to help this area grow and for us individually. I have determined to find a family to teach the Gospel, every Sunday for the rest of my mission. Obviously I'd love to find several throughout the week as well, but Sunday is family finding day. 

We headed out to Nitro to try some of our investigators and totally missed the freeway exit, we're still confused how. But we found a new part of our area at the next exit that we didn't know existed. We met some cool people and we're excited to go back. 

We also found some cool people in Nitro and then met a Recent Convert from 6 months ago that had been missing since he got baptized and no one knew where he was. He's been doing drugs. Lots of drugs. His brain is so fried. I don't know what's gonna happen there. I honestly didn't feel very safe around him. 

We found this gazebo on the lake while exploring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily has been getting really gross cysts in her armpit and they've gotten extremely infected so she had to go to the emergency room and we ended up keeping her company for 2 hours. She was so scared to be there.

Sunday church was great! The building was so FULL!!!!!! Why can't it be like that every week????? Thomas didn't make it because he was sick, and Dannette didn't make it either :( 

But I focused on "Worthy to Partake" by George Albert Smith. Basically it's 5 questions to ask yourself during the Sacrament service. It made a big difference for the Spirit and peace and I could feel. 

We spent a solid 4 hours at the Hospital with Emily while her Dad went to take a shower and take a nap. Happy Father's Day Brother Nevins! She's developed MRSA and so they did surgery to remove the infection and will be keeping her til at least Tuesday. I don't know if I've mentioned this but Emily has Autism and so sometimes she gets really sensitive to stressful situations. This is one of them. She hates hospitals. I'm glad we could help. We were just there for a really long time. But we felt like it was where we needed to be. 

On the way home from the Hospital we found a small hidden road with trailers. I felt like that was where we needed to be so we went to find our family! As we walked through the park the cutest 5 year old boy ran out and started talking to us like we'd known him for years. I'm usually pretty apprehensive about talking to kids because people get so weird, but it just felt right. He ran inside and we started to walk away. We looked at each other and said, "That's a future missionary right there!" It was like the Spirit slapped me in the back of the head and said, "DUH GO BACK!" So I turned around and went back, Sister Campbell didn't realize I had walked away haha. His mom came out right as we walked up and we started talking to her. We didn't pick her up as an investigator, but that's not really the important part. We found a family to work with.

-Sister Packard

Best:

1. Playing in the rain.

2. Exploring new areas.

3. Chicken noodle soup.

4. A sweet peace at church.

And don't freak out. People here just have the coolest jewelry ever. I take TONS of pictures with rings. I just like this one the best so far.

Worst:

1. Vomit. I'm so done.

2. My water spilled all over the car and it started to stink! Hopefully it'll clear up soon.

The Week of A Few Of My Favorite Things

June 15, 2015

I turned old this week.

I'm going to try going through this week day by day this time.

Monday was fun and relaxing. P-day is my favorite day! I don't think I've talked much about the Nevins Family, but they're awesome. Bro Nevins comes to church as much as possible but has to work a lot. Sister Nevins has a very bad back and so she can't get out of bed. Emily is our favorite and we saw her a LOT this week :) She was recently a "save" but changes her mind several times a day whether or not she actually likes church. Ben works 2 jobs so we never see him :( But Emily came with us to a lesson with Thomas at the church and we got his baptismal clothes all situated and ready!

Tuesday we had a District Meeting in Charleston about Christ-like attributes. I needed that lesson. 

Sister Kunic (in the blue) is moving to Washington State, and she'll miss us.

There was a combined Ward Relief Society activity at a park in Charleston that night so we did a last minute exchange with the Sister Training Leaders and all 4 of us stayed in Charleston that day. I was having a rough day. But being out there with Sister Jackson was exactly what I needed to perk up and get a fresh view. The Relief Society activity was so much fun. Emily came and we actually played on the teeter totters and swings (which was quite an accomplishment in a skirt) and had a dance party. The Zone Leaders and Assistants also had some investigators there that we got to talk to. They're awesome. One of them knew my favorite person from Morgantown so we got to really connect :)

Wednesday we saw Dennis and we talked about fasting and tithing. He is excited to pass the Sacrament on Father's day! We also saw our investigator Danette. She's met with missionaries on and off for a long time now, but there's something there we can't ignore. We've been focusing on one principle at a time using a Bible story, and then connecting it to a scripture in the Book of Mormon. It's working so far and we're going to keep going ahead with it. 

We also saw Pam! She didn't come to the Relief Society activity because she feels bad for someone to have to push her around all night.......but she's still doing well. We got to see Jenny, who has taught with many members in this ward. We brought Sister Cecil and they got to catch up and have fun but we read the testimony of the 3 witnesses with her and the Spirit flooded the room. She still hasn't cracked the Book open, but hopefully after this time she will. It was cool though because Sister Cecil got to share a bit about how she became a member of the church. 

We also saw Thomas that night at Sister Tucker's. Sister Tucker has us over for dinner once a week, and we get to help her get ready for bed and do some filing for her because she has cerebral palsy and it takes her a long time by herself. She's been a member for about 20 years and is always BEGGING us to bring people to her house. We try! But everyone always cancels. Thomas didn't. She was so excited to help teach someone. Thomas is excited to move back to Utah after this summer and find a wife! Sister Tucker explained it this way, "In Utah you will have many options, but in West Virginia you are the ONLY option and people will fight for you." There's a great shortage of single male members in this area :)

Thursday was my birf-day. We saw Thomas first thing in the morning and had a great lesson at a members home. Then we found out that we are planning the next fireside for the missionaries to invite investigators, recent converts, and less-active members. So we decided to ask the Stake President to host the fireside so (hopefully) more members will feel like it's something they should come to. We're excited for it. 

Sister Tucker gave me a birthday present of 40 dollars to go get a manicure and then any other fun we so desired :) The lady who did my nails lived in Orange County for 20 years (originally from Vietnam) and she laughed saying, "We were so close for so many years, but we had to come to West Virginia to meet each other!" We talked a lot about religion and how she feels. It was actually a very interesting conversation. She's an awesome lady. 

We saw SUZIE! Her son, Logan, was baptized the week before I got here. She's getting surgery this week so she's been very sick, but has really been wanting to come to church. And she gave me birthday spankings....... 

I can't escape it! We got to have dinner at the Catterson's. They are the cutest. And they spoiled me rotten. We had tacos, they bought cupcakes, she made sure there were 22 candles on there, and they got me presents. After dinner we played basketball at the church with a big group and had a lot of fun.

Friday we got rid of our 3rd bed and our couches. All by ourselves. We're pretty buff. I wish I had a picture of our apartment so you could understand how tricky it was to get it down the stairs. But that's ok. 

We had a lesson with Jeanie. She STILL hasn't prayed to know about baptism.......I don't know what else she needs. She knows she needs to do it. We had a media referral for someone requesting a Bible. When the address was entered into our GPS it would not show up so Sister Campbell took some time during our library time to find it online. She looked up some surrounding streets and we went for it. She finagled on the GPS for 15 minutes before finding a rode that we decided to drive down til it ended. And we found the street! We pulled up this gravel hill and realized very quickly how difficult it could be to find this house. The main street was very steep and mountainous, and the driveways were worse! We stopped at the foot of the first one and tried to decide how we were going to find the right house as quickly and easily as possible (it was HOT)! I looked up to see a head popping over the hill looking at us so I jumped out and yelled if she was Tammy. "Yes?....." "Did you request a free Bible?" "Yes! Get up here!!!!" Anyways, she's awesome. She is desperate to learn more about God, is very open, and wants to be baptized :) She's Tammy3. There's too many Tammy's and Pam's here.

Saturday we moved in the new couches. They are nice! All recliners. So they were also REALLY heavy. I WISH I had gotten a picture of us getting them up the stairs. A member had gotten a new set and need theirs gone. PERFECT! We also played a really good game of basketball that morning. I'm still sore and tired from it. Dennis took us out to lunch and gave me a birthday cake! We cleaned the font. That was the first time I've ever cleaned a font. 

Sister Tucker had us over for dinner and she's just the best. She kept laughing randomly just because she was in a good mood. She laughs really easily!

Sunday we went to the church right at 6:30 and started filling the font! My first time for that as well! We had to be at the church at 8 for a meeting and the baptism started at 9. Everyone was there on time and it was 25 minutes exactly! Thomas got dunked and everything went great! Then he got confirmed at 10:12 during Sacrament meeting. Big day for him! 

I have a weird habit of putting my right arm behind my back during pictures. Maybe I'm just scared to be too close to the guy next to me. I'm just a good missionary! 

Emily came to church because she thought Pam was coming, but Pam was sick and couldn't come. So Emily was mad she came, but by the end of it she was very glad she came :) She's figuring it out, slowly but surely. I sure do love her. We got to teach sharing time in Primary and we taught about the Holy Ghost leading us to Christ. So we played boolah boolah (I'm assuming only my siblings and parents will appreciate what this means).

We saw Tammy for just a few minutes to find out her Grandma had passed away the day before and she was really struggling. But she had been reading from the Book of Mormon already. She loves it. We set up an appointment for next week at a member's house. She's the first person who I've ever had prefer meeting at someone else's house. Then we got to go to dinner at President and Sister Salisbury's new house with the Sister Training Leaders. It is SUPER nice. But they made crepes and that was delicious! 

It was a fun night and we were headed back home. We made it about 10 minutes down the road before turning back. I needed a blessing. President and I ended up talking for over an hour. I love being so close to them. I love knowing that they really are here for us. And we're here for them! You get called to a mission because of the people, and most importantly, your President.

So yeah, I've been having a REALLY hard time here in Teays Valley. I've struggled my whole life with depression and low self-esteem, but it's been on and off. But being on my mission it has been so difficult to deal with. And being here especially has really seemed to knocked me flat. All things are for our good and our experience, but this just sucks sometimes :( I feel helpless a lot of times and like I have no ability to function. 

At the beginning of my mission I was surrounded by others with extremely sever depression, and I always thought I understood when they were talking about it. But these past 2 weeks I'm understanding completely differently. Sometimes, you really can't function. And it's the saddest thing. No matter how badly I wanted to move, I couldn't even roll over or get up for the bathroom. No words could come out of my mouth. The idea of leaving the apartment was paralyzing. I don't know how to explain it. But I've never been like that before. And I've never understood others when they talked about it before. Now I do. It's really not fun. Some days are bad, some are good, some are just ok.  It's so frustrating to be dealing with this out here. I often feel like I'm wasting so many other's time. I'm blessed to be with an extremely patient companion who never even hints at being frustrated while waiting for me to work through my days. 

Humility. Accepting the Lord's will. And trusting him that it will be ok. Maybe not today. Maybe not even a year from now. But one day. In Doctrine and Covenants 67:10 there is a great promise for missionaries if we can "strip" ourselves from our jealousies and fears, and humble ourselves. So I decided to list out my jealousies and fears. 

It's been interesting. 

One thing at a time. 

I'm fearful of things I didn't even recognize before......

But over all, good week.

-Sister Packard

Best:

1. Cake.

2. Little kiddos that make your heart melt.

3. New couches!

4. Air conditioning.

5. EMILY!!!!

6. Birthday love.

7. The sound of the font filling.

8. People dressed in white :)

Worst:

1.  Elder Thackeray keeps stepping on my foot every time we play basketball. He's a big kid!