Trying to find the words.

So let's talk about depression.

I think the most important thing to start with is that I was determined to not come home. I did everything possible to stay and would never have ever left unless I was absolutely positive it was what I was supposed to do, and my Mission President was positive as well. So I prayed my butt off. So did he. We fasted. He knew before I did that it was time for me to go home.

So why did I come home? God told me to.

Underlying issues? Depression. Obviously lots of physical illness but overall, the depression. The past year has grown steadily worse. I very much thought my Mission would be full of fun and joyful times. It was! But it also was the most trying time of my life. I slowly felt more and more out of control of my emotions. Week by week turned to day by day, which turned to hour by hour and minute by minute. In the past 3 months I've found myself "turning off". It's like someone has a light switch control over my different faculties.

I would get so angry. Over nothing. In the middle of lessons with investigators of the church I would start to boil over and start shaking. Or before we even went in I knew I couldn't go teach someone about Jesus Christ when I was so angry.

Then I would have no ability to love or have any patience.

And the worst was when I couldn't feel anything at all. In the middle of a lesson I would go blank. No words could come out. No thoughts could come. I was empty and blank. That was a problem. I met with my Mission President almost every week as we discussed what was going on and how to make it better. Eventually we decided on medication. I had been taking it for 2 days when I got the overwhelming feeling AGAIN that I needed to go home. 3 months ago we decided to take it one day at a time and it seemed like every day it got worse. Every day I felt like I needed to go home.



I wasn't functioning as a missionary. The work seemed to completely stop. I wasn't functioning as a human being. And we knew it was time for me to come home. I got to call my parents before the final decision was made.

The decision was made Sunday and I was home Wednesday. Thursday was spent at home. The Sister Missionaries came over for a lesson with an investigator. I got to see my little red heads.

Friday we drove all day to Utah. I thought that this is my comfort zone and where I'll feel the most normal. Maybe being back will just shake me back to the way I was. It'll be like the depression never happened!

I was wrong. Being around my family, not even cousins, just my siblings, I was shaken. Panic attacks and shut downs. We were at the park and I cried. I needed to hide so Mom and I went to the movies. Perfect, a dark place where I could zone out the world.

Realization........I CAN'T be the person who shuts out the world with technology and can't function without my head being in a screen. Where's the balance? Good thing I don't have a phone yet.

Michelle was worried about "cousin game night" (which was siblings with Nate) and wanted to cancel.

Realization........if I stop doing those things because I'm scared of how I'll react I'll never do it and never be "normal" again. I have to push through because I never know when it will be a good day or not til I'm there.

I know I want to get back to Utah and be living on my own. No one likes moving back in with the parentals. But I don't have any money. And I feel certifiably crazy right now. I'm not in a position to make any decisions right now. But once I'm ready I'll know and I'm gonna go.

Realization........I'm going to be very expensive for my parents for a while. Pray for them. Never mind me. They have to deal with my crazy butt.

So yes, I'm on medication. It's been about a week? We'll take it for a month and see what happens. Psychiatric help? I didn't have the best experience with a counselor on my mission so I'm not excited about that option, but I probably need it.

Sunday I felt perfectly fine. I was happy, and joking like I used to always. It happens sometimes, it's just seems to be a matter of how long I can last before I "turn off" again. And then how long before I come back to "normal". Have I ever been normal? Probably not. I've struggled with depression pretty much my whole life. I've got a history of crazy people in my family. I'll blame it on them.

I have a great desire to be a wife and mother one day. I can't be like this and do those two jobs. So lets get healthy! Today is a good day! Hopefully it stays a good day!

Word of caution to all who interact with me:
If, in ANY way, you tell me to think "happy thoughts" and all will be better, I will hit you. HARD. I know all the tricks. I've been doing them for years. They stopped working. So now we're trying medication and regular temple attendance :) Lets see miracles happen.

Best:
1. Nieces and nephews I had never met before!
2. The smell of salt water when I got out of the airport.
3. My mom's patience. It's outstanding.
4. PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. The confidence from knowing I'm doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do.
6. I fit into my old clothes!

Worst:
1. Not knowing how to answer people's questions. Do you really want to know the answers to what you're asking?????
2. Not knowing what tomorrow brings in any way shape or form.