Love and Be Loved

"Sarah, stop asking him questions you're not willing to accept the answer to."

These were some wise words of wisdom from my Bishop. He's pretty amazing. Oh, where to begin. When you look back you always say, "Why didn't I see the signs?" I always saw the signs. I just refused to acknowledge them. Love has a very funny way of blinding you.

I liked being blind.

Life has been difficult this past week. I've had to accept what I didn't want to hear (which anyone who knows me knows that doesn't usually go over well). 

They say life goes on. And I'm going. I'm going at half a snail's pace, but I'm going. It's just really HARD when suddenly everything changes. I've spent the last 2 years building my life around one person and now all of a sudden that person is no longer a part of the picture. It's hard when I've been refusing to be open to the possibility of any other option and now all of a sudden he's no option. Well, don't get me wrong. I still hope that 2 years down the road I'll be single and things will be different and we can be together. But for now that's not the case.

So you know what's really weird? Going on dates. Even weirder? I could be married at like, any time. Maybe I know him already. Maybe his name is Billy and he's still serving in Russia. Maybe I'll die an old maid. Who knows? Wait, Jesus does. 

Next point. I have the hardest time letting go and trusting. That's why this whole process has been so hard. But, you live and you learn. You love and you let go. You find the one your truly supposed to be with and you're happy forever. That's how it works. Happy. Let's be happy. Happy happy happy. 

You know what makes me happy? Nate makes me happy. Jon makes me happy. Sara makes me happy. Kathryn coming here in January makes me happy. My weird sisters make me happy. Going to sporting events makes me happy. Playing sports makes me happy. Moving out soon makes me happy. Making money makes me happy. 

HAPPIEST!?!?! The temple. There is no place like the temple to put things in perspective. To remind you it's all ok. To help you remember that Heavenly Father's got this. He's never let you down and never will. I trust I trust! I pray! I read! I try desperately to do what I'm supposed to and make loved ones proud of me. 

I try desperately to be worthy of love. One day I hope to be so loved by a man that he scoops me up and carries me to the temple and says, "MARRY ME!!!! You're beautiful and righteous and there's no one I would rather spend my life with and I want to be with you for eternity and have a wonderful life." 

I really am trying to be happy and open and full of love. But sometimes I wake up and and say, "Oh look, another glooorious morning. Makes me sick!"

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older I'm getting older too
Yes I'm getting older too.

Another Dawn, Another Day

You know, most of the time I'm really grateful for all the experiences I've had in my life. The good, the bad, and the oh so very ugly. I feel like every single thing I've been through and all the choices I've made have made me the person I am, and I wouldn't change it if I could.
But there is one exception to that. One situation I really truly wish I could go back and re-do. I wish I had shut up. I wish I had handled it oh so very differently.
Years of friendship can go down the tube in 6 words or less. Trust me I know. It is honestly something I have always regretted and have tried several times to make small reaches out to fix it. Finally I feel like one of those little steps actually did something.
Baby steps.
Another dawn, another day. All I can do is take what I can from the experience and pray that one day you can once again call me friend.

Long Time No Read

Well, it's only been a long time.......
I've always said, "Sometimes it's not about whether you actually go or not. Sometimes it's just about knowing you're worthy and able to." I promise I didn't just wimp out. I promise my testimony isn't too weak or whatever. I just knew I couldn't go. After the blessings I received and the feelings I had I knew I couldn't go. Nothing about going on a mission felt right. I felt lost, confused, and panicked at all times and if anyone ever tried to talk to me about it I just started crying and found a way to end the conversation quickly and run away. And trust me I was praying my butt off for peace and reassurance I was doing the right thing. I very much believe that we will always be warned before we make a big mistake and I knew that a year and a half of my life was something that I (and the Lord) did not take very lightly.
So here I am in Utah. It was a whirl-wind of a few weeks while I figured out where I was going to live, getting a car, and trying to figure out some semblance of a plan. All I knew is that when I made a decision I would know if it was right or wrong.
I know that none of my decisions make sense to anyone else and everyone thinks I should be doing something different. But all I can promise is I'm doing what the Lord wants me to. I'm going to the temple, I'm praying to be guided, and my scriptures are being well used.
All growing up Utah was a fun place to visit for a week to see family and what not but I always "hated" it. I swore I would never live here. And now here I am feeling more at home than I think I ever have. Utah is home for me, and I'll probably be here for the rest of my life. I found a great job that I love (when have I ever said that before?) and I feel like I'm taking steps towards my future, a good future that ends in the celestial kingdom........(presumptuous???? I think everyone should be.)
Guys, the Lord is good. He watches over all of us and keeps us on the right path. So many times I feel like he's just kind of picked me up and moved me where I needed to be.

The Countdown Begins

Just under 2 months. I don't really feel it yet. There's too much other exciting things happening all through out July that I'm just not thinking about packing or anything like that. But I do know the timeline......... My farewell is July 28th, I'll fly to Utah the night of August 13th, and then report August 14th. Props to Noelle for being my companion in Utah and getting me around while I'm there. It's fun that she took care of Rachel and getting her out on her mission and now she gets to take me!!!!! How much fun! Plus the fact that I frikin love her and haven't seen her in forever and we always giggle a lot when we're together :)
Other news, my mission President sent me homework............ Not cool. I basically have to write an essay about some scriptures about missionary work. An essay, to the man who determines my life for the next 18 months.......... NO PRESSURE!
Clothes, I think I'm pretty set. There are some things that I'll just have to get when I'm there because you can't really find good winter boots in Southern California in the middle of the Summer :) People keep offering me clothes. I'd love to take your clothes :) I always love free clothes. Hopefully I'll be able to not look frumpy, but cute enough for people to want to talk to me.
I'm excited to go. I'm excited to meet new people that are completely different from me. I'm excited to teach to others what has literally saved me. Something that I just learned for myself recently, but know that I will never stray from. It is a message of joy and love. It is a message that everyone has heard once before, and is searching for without even knowing it. I love this gospel. I want everyone to hear it. And, I'm excited to teach in the same place (reporting the same day) as my f.h.e. bro from last semester! It's gonna be a fiesta!!!!

Hill billies and mountain ranges

I report to the MTC August 14th for my mission in West Virginia.
Some things I've learned about that area so far:

1-Family is everything to them and they are CLOSE. So close, in fact, that they occasionally marry each other.

2-Mountains, green, animals, and all 4 seasons.

3-Hill billies. I'm convinced that at some point I will eat a raccoon.....

4-Population from largest to smallest; White, Native American, Asian, Pacific Islander, Other. WHAT?!?!?! Hispanic isn't even an option in this state. That is going to be very strange for me. So much for using and improving my limited Spanish skills. This girl is going to be speaking a LOT of English (I use the term English very loosely)

5-Walmarts. Lots and lots of Walmarts.

6-All the areas in my mission are VERY southern. Maybe I'll see some confederate flags posted to the back of trucks fitted with mud railings and a gun rack on the back.

7-I'm going to send you guys so many mullet pictures.

Mr. Postman, LOOK AGAIN

Dear Mr. Postman,
I was not too surprised when my letter did not arrive yesterday, BUT when it didn't arrive today I couldn't help but feel a little anxious. Though I will not be opening it until tomorrow night either way I would still feel much more secure just knowing where it is. So if you could be a doll and get it to me that would be great. And I think your knee-caps think it's a good idea as well.............

I'll go where you want me to go.

Well, my papers are submitted. Officially as of Wednesday April 17th around 9:30 p.m. Where am I going to go?!?!?!?!?! South America, Canada, Spain, Africa, Germany, Slovakia, France, Wisconsin???? The possibilities are endless! I can truly say that I would be happy to serve anywhere, and I feel like that makes it so much more exciting. But it doesn't matter where I go. What matters is how I spend my time there and how I serve the people of the place that I get to live for 18 months. Cuz think about it, I get to live somewhere around the world for a year and a half for 400 dollars a month. I can't wait to find out.

Alma 17:11

 ".....yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls."

Patience has definitely NEVER been a strong point of mine. Today all throughout church and my friends farewell I kept getting impressions from the spirit about me going on a mission and that I was ready and it is absolutely the thing I need to do. I was so excited to go meet with my Bishop and for him to stamp his approval and get my papers out of here. I didn't think it would go any other way than him smiling and saying, "Congrats Sarah, you've made all of us proud and you're going to make your Heavenly Father so proud as you serve. I'll send this all to the stake president tonight."

So I was quite.....distraught to hear the opposite. Sometimes I think I know exactly how my life is going to go, and then Heavenly Father just kinda laughs and says NOPE! I know I'm supposed to go, but I have to trust my priesthood leader and his perspective of the current situation.

Not to fret my friends. I will go. I've just been "post-poned" about a month. "Trust in God includes trust in his timing." Time for lots of prayers for patience and understanding.

Memories of Us

I've dreamt of you my whole life. From your deep green eyes to your sense of humor. Now that I've finally found you I know that you were never a figment of my imagination. My dreams weren't premonitions, but memories. The moment I saw you my soul jumped with recognition and it felt like I had known you my entire life. I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you forever.

Diggin My Way Up

Never was I a beautiful angel who floated down to the earth. I must have started much lower and dug my way up through the ground. The dirt weighed so heavily and I felt I couldn't breathe and I knew the higher I went the more I was free to move. As I push myself up the dirt and darkness become lighter and slowly I begin to realize how much restriction I really had. Movements become easier and I can see more than black. I break through the earth and the air hits me in the face for the first time. Freedom is mine. No, I am not an angel who started high in the clouds. I dug my way up from hell.

Sometimes I can't help but think that I have no more chances. Have I messed up my last chance? I don't know. But I do know that I have to hope that there is more. These songs just kinda resonate right now.

Scared

I get to see my Grandpa this weekend and I am scared. I know how bad he's doing and that he doesn't have much longer left on this Earth. Everyone loves Grandpa, he's just amazing and it's impossible not to. But I absolutely adore my Grandpa. He is kind, thoughtful, full of the Spirit, inspirational, and always has been my example for what I wanted a husband to be like. He was always my example of what it means to be a great husband, grandfather, servant of God, you name it. So it's scary to think I'm going to see him as not that man. He slowly has been leaving us and it's been really hard for me. But it's better for him to not suffer. He is the same man. His body just can't keep up with him anymore. And I am glad that soon he will be home and comfortable. But I am going to miss him.